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Mar
22

Spring Sucks

Now that Spring has taken a blackjack to the back of Winter’s skull, it is an opportune time to discuss the many ways in which Spring is no better than dull, dreary Winter. It may not be an opportune time for you, but I shall proceed regardless.

I can anticipate your objection: Oh, but Spring is so much more enjoyable than Winter, you say. Well I don’t say that at all! In fact I say that at best, the two damnable seasons pull even with one another in suckitude. If anything, Winter is the merest bit better for there are no leaves on the tress to hide your enemies (or small songbirds, much the same thing in my case).

But alas, here we sit having to show a deluded populace why Spring is in fact full of a lameness indescribable by the greatest poets. Luckily for you, I am here to pick up the slack for those feckless rhymesters.

Reasons You Might Wrongly Believe Spring to be An Excellent Season:

  • Warmth – A notable difference between Spring and Winter is the temperature of the air. However, in my region of the country it is not uncommon for the temperature to vary day to day, warm on the one and cold the next. How can one plan one’s wardrobe? It is madness. A bit of consistency is the hallmark of a respectable Season, and Spring is sadly lacking.
  • Flowers – Everyone thinks they love flowers, and the buds on the trees, and the general greening which takes place around this time of year. Well they don’t! Think about this: with blooming comes pollen and other allergens which are abject misery to the unfortunately sinused. Even those without major allergies suffer because of them. Witness the whining coworker or family member. Nobody wants to know that your nose drips like a faucet or that your eyes water as if dusted glass were blown into them; snort an antihistamine and cease your botheration.
  • Birds – Birds should be eaten and not heard, in my estimation. Nothing is worse than being roused after a night of intemperate drinking by the happy chirping of an oblivious avian. Were I a resident of the countryside, I would expend many bullets from my upstairs window in the hope of disintegrating one of those bloody sparrows. Alas, the city makes mice of men.
  • Mating – This subject is perhaps not suitable for the weaker sex, and I would instruct any ladies reading this to depart forthwith and scurry back to the kitchen where your presence is of more use. Men, Spring is universally recognized as the time of year when the impulse to breed takes hold in many of God’s creatures, even during the daylight hours. Such copious copulation as can be seen at any farm or college campus in the land. Only a base degenerate would allow their animalian impulses to overcome decorum. There is a time and place for such things, and it is 7 pm every 3rd Tuesday. Bear yourself up firmly, and tightly grasp your dignity. I recommend a steady diet of Graham’s Crackers to avoid angering the blood (avoid the cinnamon variety, obviously).
  • Grass – A well kept lawn is a pleasure of all men, everywhere. But where grass is planted, it must be cut. Be sure to have an appropriate number of servants (or failing that, children) to prevent such unpleasant duties from falling upon yourself.
  • Easter – Easter is the major holiday during the Spring season, and a very fine Holy Day it is. But as you can imagine, it is grossly twisted into some pagan worship of an overgenerous rabbit whose sole aim seems to be to increase the instance of juvenile diabetes with buttercream-filled candy eggs. The chocolate-smeared faces of overdressed peasant children may tempt you to find comfort in their happiness; Do Not. In my household, any children which I am so lucky to spawn shall be given inedible crucifixes (it is a Holy Day) and a spreadsheet detailing how much has been expended to date on their upbringing. This will no doubt encourage prayer and gratitude.

With any luck, the first few weeks of Spring will pass without major incident and we shall all safely find ourselves in the oppressive heat of Summer (which is another terrible season). Then only a few more weeks until Fall, my very favorite season and the only one of any standing among decent people.

1 comment

  1. Jiza says:

    Hahaha. You’re the Grinch who stole springtime.

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