Irrational pride in the state of your birth should be a common feature of Americans. Its corollary, irrational hatred of all other states in the Union, should likewise beat in the breast of all good citizens. Alas, it does not. I am compelled by this distressing condition to list all the states in order, with a brief summation of why they are inferior to the blessed Old Dominion. See where you stand!
- Alabama – This state is known for two things: adult onset diabetes and a Lynyrd Skynyrd song. I have met precisely one person from Alabama, and isn’t that enough? Keep it to yourself, Yellowhammer State.
- Alaska – At one time this was a land of opportunity, but Alaskans long ago started sucking at the teat of government. Every person in Alaska gets a check for doing nothing. Plus, it’s cold as hell up there and I imagine most people stay indoors in the winter. Additionally, 75% of the population will die in plane crash. No thanks.
- Arizona – Besides failed Republican Presidential candidates, what has Arizona got? A giant hole in the ground.
- Arkansas – If I need to explain the shortcomings of Arkansas to you, there is a good chance you are a product of the Arkansas school system.
- California – Taxes, smog, and most of all Californians plague this land. Which is the most irritating aspect of this province of Mexico? Most assuredly the people. Men go mad out there. Forget it.
- Colorado – Beautiful state if you like snow in June. Which I do not. Also, you might want to think about a different flag. Looks like a baseball team for Pete’s sake.
- Connecticut – Most of Connecticut is comprised of people too poor or cheap to afford a home in New York City. The rest are rednecks. You didn’t think rednecks existed outside the South? Visit Connecticut.
- Delaware – Why didn’t these losers just become part of Maryland? It would save everyone a lot of time. Thanks for making me memorize something useless Delaware: your existence.
- Florida – Old People. Tourists. Imagine living at a state-sized hotel, and that is Florida. If you aren’t old or a tourist you are part of the service economy. Lucky you!
- Georgia – Oh peaches are so wonderful. Well maybe you shouldn’t eat so many, Georgia. Then the fact that you are rank 41st on the list of states most likely to engage in exercise wouldn’t matter so much.
- Hawaii – Some Hawaiians (screw your apostrophe) are still pretty upset about that whole abolishing their monarchy thing. To them, I can only say, “No republic, no Spam.” Thought that would quiet you down.
- Idaho – I always forget Idaho is even a state. What does Idaho even do? Besides siphon federal money for corn subsidies, that is. Or wait, do they do potatoes? See, I told you I just don’t know what Idaho is. Is it even real or did I see it in a movie?
- Illinois – Thanks Illinois, for sending us our current President. You really did us a solid with that one. Can’t thank you enough. Also, Chicago < NYC (don’t get cocky NYC, you suck too).
- Indiana – Two words: Boring. Sorry, that was one word. I was too bored to come up with another. Also, Notre Dame? More like Notre Lame, am I right?
- Iowa – Another I-state. What do you guys do, corn? Yeah, yeah, sounds really lovely. Which must be why all your young people move away. B-O-R-I-ZzzZZzzz
That’s all for now. To be continued once I wash the filth of thinking about these places off my brain.