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Jan
19

Obama’s New Jobs Plan

The following is [probably not -- BofN Legal] a preview of selected comments from President Obama’s latest jobs speech, at Disney World. He may decide to change it at the last minute.

My Fellow Americans, distinguished guests, children of the world, Mickey Mouse and Friends:

It is my special pleasure to be with you here at Disney World, the Happiest Place on Earth. Not quite Hawaii or the Vineyard, but I could certainly take a 5 or 6 day vacation here. This castle, man, sure beats my place in D.C. (chuckles)

Today I want to discuss with you my vision for America. I want to bring jobs back to this great country. I want to make this a place where people wake up ready to roll up their sleeves and do a hard day’s work. For far too long, laziness and irrational fear among Republicans has thwarted this effort in Congress. I’m here to tell them, “We Can’t Wait. ®

To that end, I’m happy to share my latest plan to create jobs here in the U.S.A. No shovels this time! (chuckles)

The specifics will be revealed over the next few months, but the basics are something like this: America, it’s time to become the number one tourist stop on the planet. Many nations rely on tourist dollars to provide jobs and income to their citizens. In places like Greece and Jamaica, for instance, the tourist industry allows them to provide generous government services at practically no cost to their nation of busboys, bartenders and day-tripping pleasure boat captains. I mean, until recently of course. But obviously our level of spending is very different from a place like Greece. Let me be clear: I don’t think we’re Greece.

No, what I propose is a two-pronged strategy to simultaneously devalue our currency – work I am proud to say I’ve already begun – and shorten the wait time for tourist visas to make it easier for foreigners with money to visit our shores. That’s right, folks, I’m so serious about job creation I’m going to lessen a regulatory burden. True, it’s on non-Americans but we will all benefit. Let me explain.

America has a long history of serving others. From the soup kitchen, to the beaches of Normandy, America has always been a service industry sort of country. It’s time to embrace this aspect of our national character and move forward into a new era wherein Americans do not ask what they can do for themselves, but what they can do for foreign tourists who do not always know how to tip properly.

Think of a young man who hasn’t had work for 18 months. He’s been living comfortably on the generous unemployment benefits some Republicans would like to eliminate completely. But then he sees an opportunity. By now, Brazilian girls having their…their…whatever you call a Quinceañera in Brazilian – they will be flooding this country. This young man can move here to Orlando and find work traipsing about in a Mickey Mouse costume – or well, maybe a Chip or Dale costume, got to work up to Mickey (chuckles) – in 110 degree Florida weather to the delight of moneyed foreign hordes. Look, I might want that job in a few months.

Imagine an older woman, who lost her job in 2007 or something – way before I got here, not my fault by the way. She Can’t Wait! Those costumes need mending, or some of this food needs cooking. Just sweeping up this Main Street USA and cleaning up the vomit from heat stroke victims is worth several full time jobs. Imagine how much more work that will be when we invite wealthy third-worlders with their cornucopia of new diseases to the Magic Kingdom.

Yes we can® not wait® for this measure to take effect, America. I urge you to contact Congress immediately and let them know that this summer, you want to work in the service industry. God Bless You, and God Bless the United States of America.

“Let me be clear: I’m still not going to wear these.”

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