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May
07

News of the World (and Then an Overlong Meditation on The Avengers)

France has just elected a Socialist with a capital S to be their President. Goodbye, Sarkozy. Goodbye, Carla Bruni. The French may have really cocked things up with this one. I mean, you expect a certain level of Gallic incompetence and arrogant short-sightedness, but this is just too much. I should add I love the French for their cuisine and the whole helping us win our Revolution thing. Must face the facts, though: I have heart disease in the family and that was King Louis, anyway.

Greece rejected austerity measures and may have sent Neo-Nazis to their parliament. What does all this mean? Well, for me it means I will not be vacationing in the Birthplace of Democracy anytime soon. I’m sure the food is great, but if the percent chance of a civil disturbance is any greater than 0%, I have a strict policy of refusing to vacation there.

Mitt Romney was arrested for disorderly conduct in 1981, which is hilarious by itself. It gets funnier when you learn that it was for launching his boat in front of a park ranger, who promptly handcuffed him. Presumably there is a mug shot, though the charges were dropped and records sealed. But hey, Obama did cocaine and is driving the country into insolvency, so I’m willing to overlook this stain on Romney’s record.

Whatever.

The Avengers took in $200 million at the box office this weekend, making it a very good time to be Joss Whedon. Let’s not debate the relative merits of the film, which I haven’t seen but hear is excellent. Let’s think ahead to what the inevitable sequel will be like.

Just spitballin’, here, but I’d like to see some Skrulls. Possible problems with a Skrulls storyline are that it might require more than one movie to conclude. Additionally, I’m not even really sure how the Skrulls storyline played out. They change shape – got it. They impersonate superheroes – got it. They want to take over the world – I guess. The have really weird faces, but it’s ok because most of the time they’d be impersonating humans. Also, I’m pretty sure Nick Fury is a robot at some point, maybe. You can see how it might require some time to lay out this story.

Forget Skrulls; how about a standard “Hulk goes Hulk” storyline? Banner loses control, starts biting people in half, Avengers have to stop him. Only they can’t. So you draw from everywhere – get some X-Men, toss in Spider-Man (or not, screw you, Sony), maybe even Dr. Strange. Throw in a cameo with Hugh Jackman as Wolverine, who is even an Avenger sometimes (!). Long story short, the Hulk levels some crappy city, and a bunch of guys fight him (Hulk kills Ant-Man and/or Wasp, because who really cares), and at the end after he is subdued they send him on a space ship and (fan service alert) imply the Planet Hulk thing. Then your next movie saves a boatload of money because you don’t have to do a CGI Hulk.

Just throwing that out there. Whedon, if you read this, you don’t have to pay me. You don’t even have bring back Firefly (which would suck, let’s face it – 10 years on that crew is dead, scattered, or will have given in to pathos. Or they will be all healed up, self-actualized and well-rounded, which is boring).

So…that’s what I got for ya, Internet.

 

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